Carol Burnett Quotes

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Carol Burnett

Burnett receiving a Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2005
Born Carol Creighton Burnett
(1933-04-26) April 26, 1933 (age 83)
San Antonio, Texas, U.S.
Occupation Actress, comedian, singer, writer
Years active 1955–present
Spouse(s) Don Saroyan
(m. 1955; div. 1962)

Joe Hamilton
(m. 1963; div. 1984)

Brian Miller
(m. 2001)
Children 3, including Carrie, Jody and Erin Hamilton

I was kind of shy as a kid. I was a pretty good student. I was a wallflower, or nerd, if you will.
Carol Burnett
My grandmother and I followed my mother here, to a house a block north of Hollywood Boulevard but a million miles away from Hollywood, if you know what I mean. We would hang out behind the ropes and look at the movie stars arriving at the premieres.
Carol Burnett
I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?
Because nobody goes through life without a scar.
I think the hardest thing to do in the world, show-business-wise, is write comedy.
Carol Burnett
I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.
Carol Burnett
My favorite is doing the television show, as a variety show, every week. If the show wasn't that great one week, we could always come back and apologize, you know?
Carol Burnett
We don't stop going to school when we graduate.
On the good days, my mother would haul out the ukulele and we'd sit around the kitchen table – it was a cardboard table with a linoleum top – and sing.
Carol Burnett
In '57, I got a job at the Blue Angel nightclub, and a gentleman named Ken Welch wrote all my material for me. I lived at a place called the Rehearsal Club that was actually the basis for a play called Stage Door.
Carol Burnett
I'm really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.
Carol Burnett
I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.
Carol Burnett
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
I love the writing. I love the idea of typing and seeing it on the computer and printing it out myself and, you know, moving sentences around. I like that.
Carol Burnett
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
I have a great memory.
I don't eat much meat, fish, or poultry.
But I didn't ask to have somebody nose around in my private life. I didn't even ask to be famous. All I asked was to be able to earn a living making people laugh.
Carol Burnett
My grandmother and I would go see movies, and we'd come back to the apartment – we had a one-room apartment in Hollywood – and I would kind of lock myself in this little dressing room area with a cracked mirror on the door and act out what I had just seen.
Carol Burnett
You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself.
Carol Burnett
It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.
Carol Burnett
I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie. The networks just wouldn't spend the money today.
Carol Burnett
It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.
Carol Burnett
My childhood was rough, we were poor and my parents were alcoholics, but nobody was mean. I knew I was loved. We were on welfare, but I never felt abandoned or unloved.
Carol Burnett
Comedy is tragedy - plus time.
I very much enjoyed doing 'Law & Order,' playing a killer – that was fun, and they had a family feel around the set, so it was a happy show to do even though the subject matter was quite the opposite.
Carol Burnett
My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week, double features, second run.
Carol Burnett
Originally, I came from Texas, and we lived on – I guess you'd call it welfare, what we called relief.
Carol Burnett
I do the 'New York Times' crossword puzzle every morning to keep the old grey matter ticking.
Carol Burnett
Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.
Carol Burnett
My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away.
Carol Burnett
It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.
I wanted to be on Broadway, but in musical comedy.
I liked myself better when I wasn't me.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
Celebrity was a long time in coming; it will go away. Everything goes away.
Carol Burnett
I was once asked to do my Tarzan yell at Bergdorf Goodman, and a guard burst in with a gun! Now I only do it under controlled circumstances.
Carol Burnett
I had it in my contract with CBS, a very weird clause that was never written before and certainly not since, that if I wanted to do a variety show within the first five years of the contract, CBS would have to put it on for 30 shows.
Carol Burnett
I had a good loud voice and I wasn't afraid to be goofy or zany.
I never regretted turning down anything, I never regretted losing a job because I always felt something else was out there.
Carol Burnett
You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has.
Carol Burnett
As far as sitcoms go, I thought Jenna Elfman in 'Dharma and Greg' was a wonderful physical comedienne who had great timing.
Carol Burnett
But I don't begrudge anybody, because I know how hard it is to have that dream and to make it happen, whether or not it's just to put a roof over your head and food on the table.
Carol Burnett
Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
Carol Burnett
Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.
When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.
I'm not always optimistic. You wouldn't have all cylinders cooking if you were always like Mary Poppins.
Carol Burnett
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.