George Carlin Quotes

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George Carlin

Carlin in April 2008, in one of his last public performances.
Birth name George Denis Patrick Carlin
Born (1937-05-12)May 12, 1937
Manhattan, New York, U.S.
Died June 22, 2008(2008-06-22) (aged 71)
Santa Monica, California, U.S.
Medium Stand-up, television, film, books, radio
Years active 1956–2008
Genres Character comedy, observational comedy, word play, satire, political satire, black comedy, surreal humor, sarcasm, blue comedy
Subject(s) American culture, American English, everyday life, antitheism, recreational drug use, death, philosophy, sports, human behavior, American politics, patriotism, family, parenting, children, religion, profanity, psychology, race relations, old age, pop culture, nationalism, self-deprecation, masculinity, political alienation
Spouse

Brenda Hosbrook
(m. 1961; her death 1997)

Sally Wade
(m. 1998; his death 2008)

Children Kelly Carlin
Website georgecarlin.com

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
Always do whatever's next.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Think off-center.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Religion is just mind control.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin