Larry David Quotes

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Larry David

David at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival
Birth name Lawrence Gene David
Born (1947-07-02) July 2, 1947 (age 69)
Brooklyn, New York, U.S.
Medium Stand-up, television, film
Alma mater University of Maryland, College Park
Years active 1980–present
Genres Observational comedy, improvisational comedy, black comedy, blue comedy, political satire, deadpan
Influences Phil Silvers, Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, John Cleese
Influenced Jerry Seinfeld, Ricky Gervais, Jack Dee, Sean Lock, Sarah Silverman, Jeff Garlin, Casper Christensen, Graham Linehan, Armando Iannucci
Spouse Laurie Lennard (m. 1993; div. 2007)
Children 2

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.
Larry David
I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about – people and laughter.
Larry David
My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.
I believe in something.
I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'
Larry David
In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.
Larry David
Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.
Larry David
I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.
Larry David
And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.
Larry David
My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.
I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.
Larry David
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.
Larry David
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
Larry David
I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.
Larry David
I have reservations about everything I do.
Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.
Larry David
I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'
Larry David
I'm a walking, talking enigma.
I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.
You write about what you know.
It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.
Larry David
I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.
I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.
Larry David
You know, I'm really not that bright.
I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.
Larry David
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
Larry David
Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.
Larry David
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.
Larry David
Most people think I'm immodest.
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
Larry David
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.
Larry David
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there's your diamond in the rough.
Larry David
There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.
Larry David
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.
Larry David
Women love a self-confident bald man.
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
Larry David
OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.
The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.
Larry David
It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.
Larry David
Obviously comedic styles do change.
I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.
I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.
People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Larry David
Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.
Larry David
I just feed off the energy of the audience.
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.
Larry David
Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.
Larry David
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.
Larry David
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.
Larry David
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.
Larry David
I don't have many friends.
If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?
Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.
I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
Larry David
When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.
Larry David
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
Larry David
The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.
Larry David
I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.
Larry David
I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.
All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.
Larry David
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
Larry David
I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money – this is the guy who needs to laugh.
Larry David
It has to do – I think – with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
Larry David
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
Larry David
I think Michael Moore is a hero.
Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my name, just see what happens.
Larry David
Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.
Larry David
I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.
Larry David
I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.
Larry David
I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.
Larry David
Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.
Larry David
I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.
There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!
Drugs scared me.
If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.
Larry David
There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
Larry David
Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.
I don't like to make a big splash anyway.
The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.
Larry David
I'm cranky.
I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.
Larry David
Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm – basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.
Larry David
I have no secrets.
I am not honest.
Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.
Larry David
There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.
Larry David
Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.
I'm anti-cheese in a salad.
I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
Larry David
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!
Larry David
It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear – mainstream comedy.
Larry David
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
Larry David
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
Let's not forget, I got divorced.
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
Larry David
When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street – things like that.
Larry David
Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.
Larry David
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.
Larry David
I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.
Larry David
I can't stand reading anything that I've said.
I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.
Larry David
Golf and dating don't mix.
I don't like people cleaning my room.
Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.
At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.
Larry David
I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.
Larry David