August 23, 1884|
|Died||September 19, 1949
New York City
|Occupation||Satirist, book reviewer|
|Alma mater||University of Chicago|
|Notable works||The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody, How to Be a Hermit, How to Become Extinct, How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, How to Attract the Wombat|
Just when you're beginning to think pretty well of people, you run across somebody who puts sugar on sliced tomatoes.
Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home. There's always something.
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
If a cat does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing, for the same reason, we call it intelligence.
The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.
It's easy to see the faults in people I know; it's hardest to see the good. Especially when the good isn't there.
Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.
Some people lose all respect for the lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people.
I don't like to boast, but I have probably skipped more poetry than any other person of my age and weight in this country.
The trouble with the dictionary is that you have to know how a word is spelled before you can look it up to see how it is spelled.
If an animal does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence.