Quotes on humor

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Must be weird for you, having your mom here."
"Weird for me, weird for her, probably weird for you since you had to give up your swinging bachelor pad."
"Mrs. Casnoff let me install my heart-shaped Jacuzzi in my new dorm room."
"Cal," I said with mock astonishment, "did you just make a joke?"
"Maybe.
Rachel Hawkins
I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack.
Chuck Klosterman
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Dorothy Parker
Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride - where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.
Jane Austen
There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
P.G. Wodehouse
Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.
"Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today?
Molly Harper
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
David Sedaris
He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through.
Colleen Houck
I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.
Harry Truman
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.
Lemony Snicket
Tyson- "Cash? Like...green paper?"
Percy- "Yeah."
Tyson- "Like the kind in duffel bags?"
Percy-"Yeah, but we lost those bags days a-g-g--."
"Tyson! How did you--"
Tyson- "Thought it was a feed bag for Rainbow. Found it floating in sea, but only paper inside. Sorry.
Rick Riordan
Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.
Dick Francis
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
Christopher Moore
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.
Michel de Montaigne
I never understood how men could remember all those details about sports but, yet, were incapable of remembering where they set their car keys or wallet.
Tina Reber
Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began.
Morrissey
My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.
Cary Grant
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When you blame others you give up your power to change. Take responsibility for your future!

– Chris Voss

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