Quotes on humor

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Insanity does NOT run in my family. It strolls through, takes its time, and gets to know everyone personally. —T-SHIRT
Darynda Jones
How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.
Gail Carriger
If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you.
Kiersten White
Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.
P.G. Wodehouse
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Ambrose Bierce
You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.
Jennifer Crusie
Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH.
Patricia Briggs
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dave Barry
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.
David Foster Wallace
Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone.
J.R. Ward
Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again...
J.K. Rowling
I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear," said Edward.
Stephenie Meyer
Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth
Augusten Burroughs
When I die of heart failure the next time you frighten me like that, you can put that on my gravestone—‘I didn’t mean to startle her.
Patricia Briggs
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When you blame others you give up your power to change. Take responsibility for your future!

– Chris Voss

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