Quotes on humor

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If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Mark Twain
But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.
J.R. Ward
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
David Sedaris
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
George Carlin
Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)
Ally Carter
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.
Dave Barry
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Jon Stewart
After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”
“You do have that effect on people.
Darynda Jones
Well, thanks for not shooting anyone, I guess", said Marcus. "My contribution was to somehow refrain from peeing myself. You can thank me later.
Dan Wells
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.
Rachel Caine
BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice...
Tite Kubo
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
Jean Kerr
Maybe we should go on lots of double dates,” Cath said, “and then we can get married on the same day in a double ceremony, in matching dresses, and the four of us will light the unity candle all at the same time.”
“Pfft,” Levi said, “I’m picking out my own dress.
Rainbow Rowell
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.
Stephen Wright
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– Chris Voss

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