Quotes on humor

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How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - "
“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”
“Stalk me.”
“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.
Sara Wolf
If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.
Richelle Mead
Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.
Bill Watterson
As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.
P.G. Wodehouse
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Graham Chapman
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Murphy's Law
It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
Robert Anton Wilson
Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business
Gregory David Roberts
I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.
Steve Martin
He held up his index finger. "Rule one: in any dispute between mates, the
male is always to blame, even when he is clearly blameless. Rule two"—his middle finger joined the
first—"whenever in doubt, refer to rule one.
C.L. Wilson
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
Darynda Jones
Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.
Jim Butcher
It often happens that we blurt out things that may in some kind of way be harmful to us, but we are silent about things that may make us look ridiculous; because in this case effect follows very quickly on cause.
Arthur Schopenhauer
It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.
Aeschylus
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
Bohumil Hrabal
My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.

Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips)
Graham Parke
My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way
Ali Shariati - علی شریعتی
Oh, Eeyore, you are wet!” said Piglet, feeling him.
Eeyore shook himself, and asked somebody to explain to Piglet what happened when you had been inside a river for quite a long time.
A.A. Milne
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When you blame others you give up your power to change. Take responsibility for your future!

– Chris Voss

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