Quotes on humor

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You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
Derek Landy
my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...
Jane Austen
You never get mad,” she said when their server left the table. “Except at me.”
“That’s not true,” he said tightly. “Torie can get me going.”
“Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.
Jim Butcher
I wanted to stay this way forever.
Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.
Kami Garcia
Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup.
Jim Butcher
How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.
Morrissey
And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.
Douglas Adams
About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.
The Harvard Lampoon
Bring me liquor, Bones, fast, to take my foot out of my mouth.

Cat to Bones
Jeaniene Frost
Annoyed?” said Sophie. “Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me?
Diana Wynne Jones
Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help. If you have not, then believe you me, it can scare the bejeezus out of you.
Jim Butcher
The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life.
Martin Amis
I was trying to decide if you still had free will as a wolf. If I was a terrible person for planning to drug my girlfriend and drag her back to my house to keep in the basement.
Maggie Stiefvater
Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.
Brett Tate
When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
Steven Wright
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
Steven Wright
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When you blame others you give up your power to change. Take responsibility for your future!

– Chris Voss

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